Send Him to the Fiery Pits Whence he Came!

Last night, around 12:20am, after a mild evening of a few drinks a socialization, I walked into the door of my house and set to prepare myself for bed. I dressed into my jammies, pulled my hair up, and walked into the bathroom to do the unmentionable things one does in a bathroom before bed.

Then I saw HIM. Dark and hairy, large meaty legs and body, and an estimated size of about 2.5 inches in diameter! He struck fear into my cheerily heart as I looked into his eight blinking eyes, all of them focused on ME. I knew he was going to attack if I took one step closer, so I grabbed my toiletries and raced to the other bathroom before he could sink his teeth into me. I shut off the light and locked him in his den of evil deeds, a den right next to my bedroom no less! Could it be true? Did my eyes deceive me? Did I have one too many? No, what I saw was accurate. It was the biggest effing spider I have EVER SEEN IN MY HOUSE, EVER.

After a few rounds of texts to the brave people in my life to calm me down, I dozed off to sleep, never forgetting the beast who was now spinning webs in the corners of my mind. Like an arachnid version of Freddy, he invaded my dreams and left me tossing and turning and sleeping in a fearful state.

This morning after a quick check in my bed to make sure the fowl creature had not try to lay with me, I raced into my bathroom to confront the spawn head-on. I held a lust for spider blood in my heart, he must die!!! I opened the door, and....

Gone. He was fucking gone! ....At least gone from my sight. But we all know when spiders disappear, it isnt because they have left the building. They are notorious hiders. They like to lurk in the dark damp forgotten corners of households, watching and haunting their future human prey. Do you know why they prefer the dark, my friends? Because evil deeds are carried out smoothly in the dark! No one with normal god-given eyes can see what they are doing! The foul blood suckers! Those unnatural creatures of HELL! I hate them all! And last night I was face-to-face with the king pin of spiders! The godfather of the spider family! The biggest web-spinner of them all! And I couldn't kill him. I was too afraid.

Don't judge me. You know not the magnitude of this creature until you have seen him for yourself. After a few moments of research on the internet from "people" who study and love these things (obviously shape-shifters, no real human being could actually LIKE a spider) I have discovered that my only enemy could be one of two species:

Exhibit A: Tegenaria duellica - Giant House Spider





http://bugguide.net/node/view/31449

OR, Exhibit B: Tegenaria agrestis - Hobo Spider





http://bugguide.net/node/view/31446

Does it matter which of these giants I actually saw? Nay, my dear readers. For today is the day that MAN WILL CONQUER ONCE AGAIN. I know of an amazing poison that will ensure the next time I see this hairy abomination, he will be dead. I am setting on a quest to that of "Home Depot" to obtain such a potion, and I will WIN THIS COLD WAR.

The only good spider is a dead spider. Godspeed!

Dear Diary

Yesterday I went to rose festival with my beau, we rode white knuckle death-trap rides of doom. Of course, when we headed to "Zero Gravity" (the ride which spins you around so fast you stick to the wall and then lifts on its side, no seatbelts needed!) , the lovely sam proceeded to point out that the ride shouldnt be called "Zero gravity", because in fact the ride is actually CREATING gravity with its centrifugal force. Leave it to my little astronaut to give me a science lesson aka "why carnies shouldn't name rides"

Dude! it's too bad I am not a science teacher, that kind of would be a cool science lesson.

ah, sam. you are the dark flow of my heart.

we also went on rusted swings of death. let us never speak of them again. I hate ferris wheels. they are neither romantic nor relaxing.

Apparently this Dude's Brain is Lucid.

Some asshole customer asked me what "lucid" means last night. I use the word all the time, but I had to sit there for a minute to come up with a definition. Finally I came up with a synonym, "translucent." I smiled, proud of myself for coming up with a word that I felt best described the other, and looked at him for recognition.

Dude gave the a look like I was the dumbest human being on the planet. He blankly stared at me and was like "well I guess I can find out later, it doesn't matter anyway." He gave me a $4 tip and walked out of my life, but not out of my head!

umm hello asshole! I just told you what it means! Come back here! I'm not stupid, right? Or am I? All night it drove me crazy. I'm not THAT stupid, am I?! Did I just give this guy an incorrect estimation of word trivia?! It boiled and turmoiled in my mind; all through the night I rolled around with nightmares of dictionaries being hurled at my head by this asshole customer. "TAKE THAT, DUMB WAITRESS! HOW COULD I EXPECT SUCH A FEEBLE MINDED GIRL WORKING SUCH A HORRIBLE JOB TO KNOW ANYTHING!"

So I woke up today and looked it up first thing:

Copy and paste from translucent:

2. easily understandable; LUCID: a translucent explication.

Copy and paste from lucid:

Easily understood; intelligible.
Mentally sound; sane or rational.
Translucent or transparent.

take that, asshole! I was right. GAWD!

buggaboo VS. boogerboo -OR- Insane in the mucus membrane!

Hello dearest faithful readers!

As of this moment, I am sitting in the dark with my coat on, with a snot rag twisted and shoved up my nose, and desperately trying to push my mind out of "sickly."

I have to work all night tonight, and I pray to the dayquil gods they will bestow a quick recovery with their shiny orange geltabs. If they dont, I will either be taking orders with a faucet nose, or a snot rag hanging in front of my face. Which would you prefer? Would you like some of my snot as a dipping sauce for your fries? I have plenty! No, I am not staring at you strangely because your are a 60 year old man asking for my phone number, that's merely a sinus headache! Normally i LOVE getting dirty old men asking me for dates. Just leave me a big tip please so I can afford more meds. I'd be happy to get you some extra napkins, do you mind if I wipe my wet, red, crusty nose on one of them first? Another milkshake? SURE NO PROBLEM. Would you like snot-banana or boogers and chocolate?

Ok, really though. I wish I could sleep tonight. Yesterday at work I had a sneeze attack of at least 10 in a row. That was like being shot in the face....with bullets. Man, the things I do for money.

At least I am not as bad as scarlett, she has coughed so hard that she puked on 3 occasions. Poor little bugger.

Shirt Poppin'

Check out this video: Shirt Poppin

Hobo Express

ahhh work was so dead last night. I only made like 60 bucks in tips. For an hour and a half I did the jumble, crossword, word search and soduku in the newspaper. At 4am, I was the only one in the restaurant (besides the cook in the back) and I just happen to look out the window for the 50th time that minute and what should I see but a cop car pulling up. I think "YAY the cops are coming in to eat!" and get i prepared to give my own table a fabulous 4am dining experience. Not to mention, I really love men in uniform so I try to fix myself up a little.

a short amount of time passes, and no cops come in. So I go back to my jumble. I get all involved in it for a minute, and next time I look up, my heart literally JUMPS out of my chest because some creepy old bum is standing at the counter!! He is hella dirty and has no teeth and is jingling some change around. he looks just like the prophet from big love, if you have seen that show...except imagine the prophet without teeth, a shave or a shower, and in a dirty flannel shirt. "The cops just dropped me off here" he says. "I'll have some coffee and oatmeal" he says.

okay, so i figure if the cops were nice enough to let him go, he is probably a nuisance, but harmless...right? Anyway, he sits in the back of the store for 30 minutes before anyone else comes in. I am avoiding this dude like crazy, I didnt care! He gave me a really bad vibe. PROBABLY because yesterday I had a lecture from my mom about how working graveyard alone in a restaurant is dangerous and I should find another job. My mom always has to plant the seed of fear!

Anyway, some super hot buff black guy comes in and i feel safe for awhile, cuz I know this dude is a gentleman and would kick anyones ass, from how pumped he is. Another regular comes in and I chat him up for awhile and I just continue to ignore the bum in the back. The bum gets up to go to the bathroom, and is gone for like 15 minutes....probably either pooping or shooting up. then he goes and sits at ANOTHER table and starts STARING AT ME and the regular I am having a conversation with. I am really freaked out by him at this point.

Finally around 5:20am, he gets up and comes to the counter to pay. I tell him his total is $8.50 or something close to that number. He proceeds to put $3.60 down on the counter and slides it in my direction. So I say "okay, it looks like you have about 3 dollars and 60 cents here. Your total is over $8. do you have any more money?" he shakes his head. SOOO I have no idea what to do at this point. I could just let him go, but then his bill would come out of MY pocket, and I totally dont want to do that. I refuse to do that actually, haha. So I tell him to go have a
seat and wait until my replacement arrives.

i wait and wait and wait. i talk to the cook for a minute about how I want to go and get away from this bum. the bum is just sleepin in the booth at this
point.

So, lisa F finally arrives about 20 minutes late. I explain to her the situation. She rolls her eyes and the dude and immediatley storms over there and proceeds to rip this guy a new asshole. "EXCUSE ME SIR, SIT UP, THIS IS A RESTAURANT, NOT A HOTEL. YOU CAN'T SLEEP HERE. YOU DONT HAVE ANY MONEY TO PAY? HOW DID YOU THINK YOU CAN ORDER FOOD WHEN YOU DONT HAVE MONEY! I COULD CALL THE COPS RIGHT NOW! YOU KKNOW YOUR SERVER HAS TO PAY FOR THE FOOD YOU CANT PAY FOR? SHE WORKS HARD FOR HER MONEY. DO YOU WORK FOR MONEY? YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE TO HER RIGHT NOW AND THANK HER FOR PAYING FOR YOUR FOOD. YOU NEED TO LEAVE AND NEVER COME BACK. etc etc etc. it was so awesome. she was my hero because she wasnt afraid of the dude at all. haha. But the again she is like twice my size, has shoulders like a linebacker, and looks like she could take anyone down. Anyway she 86'ed his ass from the store and then had the cook escort me to my car to make sure he wasnt waiting for me out in the bushes or something.

and that was the eventful part of my night. I have some more stories from other
nights too. you meet the the weirdest fuckers working graveyard.

Two by Four

hello there, so we meet again.

It has been awhile since I posted a blog, and since everyone admires me for my blog posting skills, I figured I wouldnt leave you hangin on this fine winter's eve.

I just ate a plate of nachos for two all by myself. I havent eaten all day today. Actually, that is a complete farce, I had subway and BURGER KING AND NACHOS. And that's it. I am a total liar, i have no idea why i said i had nothing. No wonder I looked at a $5 scale at ikea and then promptly put it back on the shelf when I saw the insulting number it gave me. hmph! I think ikea better examine it's merchandise before it wrecks itself! or before i throw it's cheap five dollar scale across the room for laughing at me! okay, it didnt laugh, but it should have. Oh well, more cushin for the pushin right? I mean I check my butt out in the mirror every day, and it still looks pretty good. Sometimes I grab my own butt too, just to see how good it would feel to be the lucky person who ever grabs my awesome butt. Yeah. Well. hopefully I can hang on to my assets. Maybe I should lay off the nachos and chicken nuggets. But I am feeling especially unmotivated to make good food lately. I think it is because I am distracted by other things. Although I did have a salad at work yesterday. covered in dressing. smothered, really. Did you guys know how fattening the red robin honey mustard is? I think its like 36 grams of fat per TWO TABLESPOONS or some shit. now that is what I call a good time. Sometimes I wish I could be smothered in that shit and have it licked off. Yeah, honey mustard baby. Maybe I could lick it off myself. I would be like jabba the hut, rollin around in honey mustard, slowly gettin fatter. Dude, that would be hot.

ps. did you know i can play the 1812 overture with my butt? farts! it's a talent that shouldnt be hidden any longer.

okay then, I am drunk and need to get up early. good night, assholes!

No Wire Hangers

i was going through some of scarlett's old things and I found a 6 month old sleeper that she wore when she was 3 months old. I did a total psycho mom thing and held it up to my shoulder like how i used to hold her, just to remember how small she used to be. Then I bawled like a sentimental baby and tried to hug scarlett but she ran away because she was too busy playing.

she's so big. :(

SECRET CONFESSION OF THE DAY

When I was little I used to fantasize that one day I would meet prince william and he would fall madly in love with me and then I would be a princess, and then a queen. And that I would be willing to look past the fact he is so hideous because I would have the attention of the world. I mean we would only have to consummate once, right? And after that, TOTAL GLOBAL DOMINATION. AND I WOULD BE A FUCKING PRINCESS. and everyone would be like "dayum! alicia is so much hotter than prince william! It's so evident that she married him for his princely status!" Fuck that would be rad. I guess I wouldn't be able to say "fuck" anymore, huh? lame.

Oh wait, but I guess I would probably have to fuck him more than once because we would need to make an heir for the throne. Hrm. Well, it is a small sacrifice to make...I wonder if they have a royal paper bag to put over his head? Then maybe I could cut out a picture of ewan mcgregor or elijah wood or cillian murphy and paste it on the bag so then I could pretend I was making love to them instead. I mean they HAVE to have a royal bag, right? Charles is so fucking hideous, I KNOW diana had to concoct something like a plush purple velvety diamond encrusted bag to put over charles' head. I will just have to inquire about that. But then again, william is all powerful and stuff so maybe I could just get off on that. I mean I am sure I could. I know i could! Yayer. I could probably write a really persuasive letter to the queen, telling her why I am the SHIT. Once I get in with her, I am golden, right? Then all I have to do is bump her off, which will be hella easy since she is so old anyway. Just a lil push down the royal stairs and her royal hip will be royally fucked. Then I will hold her hand while she slips away, and she will love me.

huh. but I wonder what would happen to scarlett? I guess she would be like a lady in waiting or something since she doesnt REALLY have any royal blood. That's not very nice. I mean, my grandpa was in the senate, so that KINDA makes her like royalty, right? Maybe I could set her up with a duke or something. or a knight. No, a duke sounds better. I would have to watch her from afar because I am too busy attending to my royal duties and beheading people. But the heir i produce will be hella jealous because there is NO WAY I could make a good lookin' kid with william. I mean I know I am ridiculously good looking, but I just dont know if my good looks can overpower the wretched bad looks of the royal family. Scarlett will be like the gorgeous lady-in-waiting that my hideous heir is hella jealous of. And my heir will go out of her way to make scarlett's life miserable until the prince of poland sweeps her off of her half-polish feet.

i am not making this up! Actually, I still kinda daydream about it. HA. Except I saw this documentary on the royal family once and it looked like they have horrible structured lives, like all they do is go to cememonies all day and shake people's hands. so I am glad this is never REALLY gonna happen. OR IS IT?

Regicide anyone?

I think I read too much Phillipa Gregory for my own good.

Cabin Fever. Yeah, I got that.

Not much you can do with cabin fever; the best cure I have found is to nurse it with a little fire in the belly and a little smoke in the lungs. Yeah, and cheese fries. I managed to leave the house today to get groceries, thanks to the loving 4 wheels of my parental units. Thank god I bought potatoes, they are the only thing that sustain me during these hard cold winters. Maybe santa will bring me some fucking sunshine for Christmas. Or a city-sized blow dryer...Or maybe a little sanity, that might be nice!

Time to sink into oblivion with 100 anos. How fitting since I have been locked in this god forsaken hell hole for 100 anos as well. Huh. It's like the fucking devil's way of laughing at me or something. Am I in hell? I BET I AM! Oh my god, hell is a place where it never stops snowing and where the booze bottles mock you! Fuck, who would have thought?

It's supposed to snow again on Christmas eve. Fuck you, earth. Give me back that fucking recyclable material, I am going to litter the fuck out of the ground! eat shit, earth! Bring on the nukes and the carbon dioxide! If you keep shoving this fucking snow in my face I am going to buy bottled water just to wash my hands and clean my butt, and then I am throwing the bottle along with 50 used mattresses into the ocean! you fuck! Not to mention I am going to clean my butt with the mattresses and I am going to get ten hundred thousand cows to fart all at once too! Take that, you rain forest loving planet! Maybe I will contribute to their demise too!! MAYBE I WILL ALWAYS CHOOSE PLASTIC BAGS AT THE GROCERY STORE AND THEN THROW THEM AWAY, BUT NOT BEFORE WRAPPING THEM AROUND A SEAGULL'S HEAD FIRST. Oh yeah, and those plastic soda can rings? NOT CUTTING THEM ANYMORE. This means war! STOP SNOWING NOW BEFORE I DO SOMETHING RECKLESS AND DESTROY YOU. What kind of a dumb name is EARTH anyway? YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE JUST FUCKING JEALOUS OF JUPITER AND IT'S AWESOME MOONS AND STORM AND SIZE. You wish you were a gas giant, you fuck. Well I have news for you, your fucking molten magma aint got shit on the destruction I am going to do if you dont cut out the fucking crap!

FUCK THE WHALES.

Santa is coming to town...holy crap!

Everyone around me is FREAKING OUT. So I would like to send them these things to help calm them down. I think they will make good Christmas gifts. Everyone deserves:

-Valium
-Frontal Lobotomies
-Bottles in front of me
-Larynx Removal
-A Nice Hot Bubble Bath
-A Restraining Order
- Lips sewn shut
-Text messaging disabled
-Both legs disabled
-A nice vacation to an asylum
-complete with straight jacket
-more holiday cheer that you can shake a stick at
-A nice sack of journals so everyone can write their problems with me in them. Then I will send them to the moon to the space colony up there can read them and not me!! Maybe the moonmen will read the journals and their minds will completely be blown. It will be the most tragic story they have ever read! So the journals will get published at that point, and my story will be famous amongst all moon people. Then everyone who wrote in those journals will receive lots of cash royalties and then I will get thank you notes instead of death wishes on a daily basis.
-a therapeutic massage with a happy ending
-a chance to win fabulous prizes as the next contestant on Price is Right
-a sledge hammer to the head.
-A nice love making session from Santa himself!
-Death. sweet, calming death.

I am sure all of these gifts and more will calm down the people I love most, don't you agree? They all deserve these things and more. Maybe I will get everyone around a happy Christmas fire and shove them all in it, one by one. Or maybe I will slip a mickey in the delicious eggnog. Or cyanide in the pumpkin pie. There are so many ways to kill them all!!!!! Then me and Scarlett will live happily ever after. The end.

Duck Duck Goose

Hurray! It is nice and sunny out today, I am going to take Scarlett on a nature walk shortly. We have these super gigantic and ferocious geese that live in our neighborhood that Scarlett likes to go look at. They walk around like they own the place, with the intent to litter the streets with feces, hiss at protective mothers and delight toddlers who do not know any better. Well, they probably were here before this subdivision was built, so i guess that is fair. But they are still jerks! Case in point:

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3001/2556529988_43752e25e6.jpg?v=0

This was taken last spring, so imagine all those babies full grown by now. This is right outside my house. They like to take morning strolls like any other creature, except they have no manners. What the fuck, aren't geese supposed to MIGRATE? Get a move on, assholes! It's November! I hope Jen the Californian Bird Lady reads this so maybe she can come up with a special goose call to draw them closer to her and away from me! Although, a delicious Thanksgiving goose sounds quite tempting right about now. Imagine how much meat one of them fuckers would provide. I should train my cats to perform a sweet synchronized attack on one of them. Lola would tempt one of them with her innocent demeanor and sexy saunter, Guapo would perform a vicious surprise attack from behind and Millie would go in for the kill at the neck. Millie has brought home some big birds on my stoop before, but she would deserve a lifetime achievement award if she brought me a Thanksgiving goose. Maybe that is too much pressure to put on a cat. I do not want to stress her out. Maybe I should just go get a gun and shoot them myself! It would be like Duck Hunt, only way cooler because I wouldn't have an annoying jackass of a dog laughing at me every time i missed. I would be willing to step over some bloody carcases for a couple of weeks if it meant I didn't have to risk ruining my shoes every time i went outdoors. I think that if I killed them all that my neighbors would probably throw me a parade, and carry me around the block on their shoulders. We could build a big bon fire and burn them all, right next to their former wetland home, and perform celebratory ritualistic dances into the night. That would be awesome!

Okay, not really. I actually kinda like the geese.