Cabin Fever. Yeah, I got that.

Not much you can do with cabin fever; the best cure I have found is to nurse it with a little fire in the belly and a little smoke in the lungs. Yeah, and cheese fries. I managed to leave the house today to get groceries, thanks to the loving 4 wheels of my parental units. Thank god I bought potatoes, they are the only thing that sustain me during these hard cold winters. Maybe santa will bring me some fucking sunshine for Christmas. Or a city-sized blow dryer...Or maybe a little sanity, that might be nice!

Time to sink into oblivion with 100 anos. How fitting since I have been locked in this god forsaken hell hole for 100 anos as well. Huh. It's like the fucking devil's way of laughing at me or something. Am I in hell? I BET I AM! Oh my god, hell is a place where it never stops snowing and where the booze bottles mock you! Fuck, who would have thought?

It's supposed to snow again on Christmas eve. Fuck you, earth. Give me back that fucking recyclable material, I am going to litter the fuck out of the ground! eat shit, earth! Bring on the nukes and the carbon dioxide! If you keep shoving this fucking snow in my face I am going to buy bottled water just to wash my hands and clean my butt, and then I am throwing the bottle along with 50 used mattresses into the ocean! you fuck! Not to mention I am going to clean my butt with the mattresses and I am going to get ten hundred thousand cows to fart all at once too! Take that, you rain forest loving planet! Maybe I will contribute to their demise too!! MAYBE I WILL ALWAYS CHOOSE PLASTIC BAGS AT THE GROCERY STORE AND THEN THROW THEM AWAY, BUT NOT BEFORE WRAPPING THEM AROUND A SEAGULL'S HEAD FIRST. Oh yeah, and those plastic soda can rings? NOT CUTTING THEM ANYMORE. This means war! STOP SNOWING NOW BEFORE I DO SOMETHING RECKLESS AND DESTROY YOU. What kind of a dumb name is EARTH anyway? YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE JUST FUCKING JEALOUS OF JUPITER AND IT'S AWESOME MOONS AND STORM AND SIZE. You wish you were a gas giant, you fuck. Well I have news for you, your fucking molten magma aint got shit on the destruction I am going to do if you dont cut out the fucking crap!

FUCK THE WHALES.

Santa is coming to town...holy crap!

Everyone around me is FREAKING OUT. So I would like to send them these things to help calm them down. I think they will make good Christmas gifts. Everyone deserves:

-Valium
-Frontal Lobotomies
-Bottles in front of me
-Larynx Removal
-A Nice Hot Bubble Bath
-A Restraining Order
- Lips sewn shut
-Text messaging disabled
-Both legs disabled
-A nice vacation to an asylum
-complete with straight jacket
-more holiday cheer that you can shake a stick at
-A nice sack of journals so everyone can write their problems with me in them. Then I will send them to the moon to the space colony up there can read them and not me!! Maybe the moonmen will read the journals and their minds will completely be blown. It will be the most tragic story they have ever read! So the journals will get published at that point, and my story will be famous amongst all moon people. Then everyone who wrote in those journals will receive lots of cash royalties and then I will get thank you notes instead of death wishes on a daily basis.
-a therapeutic massage with a happy ending
-a chance to win fabulous prizes as the next contestant on Price is Right
-a sledge hammer to the head.
-A nice love making session from Santa himself!
-Death. sweet, calming death.

I am sure all of these gifts and more will calm down the people I love most, don't you agree? They all deserve these things and more. Maybe I will get everyone around a happy Christmas fire and shove them all in it, one by one. Or maybe I will slip a mickey in the delicious eggnog. Or cyanide in the pumpkin pie. There are so many ways to kill them all!!!!! Then me and Scarlett will live happily ever after. The end.

Duck Duck Goose

Hurray! It is nice and sunny out today, I am going to take Scarlett on a nature walk shortly. We have these super gigantic and ferocious geese that live in our neighborhood that Scarlett likes to go look at. They walk around like they own the place, with the intent to litter the streets with feces, hiss at protective mothers and delight toddlers who do not know any better. Well, they probably were here before this subdivision was built, so i guess that is fair. But they are still jerks! Case in point:

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3001/2556529988_43752e25e6.jpg?v=0

This was taken last spring, so imagine all those babies full grown by now. This is right outside my house. They like to take morning strolls like any other creature, except they have no manners. What the fuck, aren't geese supposed to MIGRATE? Get a move on, assholes! It's November! I hope Jen the Californian Bird Lady reads this so maybe she can come up with a special goose call to draw them closer to her and away from me! Although, a delicious Thanksgiving goose sounds quite tempting right about now. Imagine how much meat one of them fuckers would provide. I should train my cats to perform a sweet synchronized attack on one of them. Lola would tempt one of them with her innocent demeanor and sexy saunter, Guapo would perform a vicious surprise attack from behind and Millie would go in for the kill at the neck. Millie has brought home some big birds on my stoop before, but she would deserve a lifetime achievement award if she brought me a Thanksgiving goose. Maybe that is too much pressure to put on a cat. I do not want to stress her out. Maybe I should just go get a gun and shoot them myself! It would be like Duck Hunt, only way cooler because I wouldn't have an annoying jackass of a dog laughing at me every time i missed. I would be willing to step over some bloody carcases for a couple of weeks if it meant I didn't have to risk ruining my shoes every time i went outdoors. I think that if I killed them all that my neighbors would probably throw me a parade, and carry me around the block on their shoulders. We could build a big bon fire and burn them all, right next to their former wetland home, and perform celebratory ritualistic dances into the night. That would be awesome!

Okay, not really. I actually kinda like the geese.