Shirt Poppin'

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Hobo Express

ahhh work was so dead last night. I only made like 60 bucks in tips. For an hour and a half I did the jumble, crossword, word search and soduku in the newspaper. At 4am, I was the only one in the restaurant (besides the cook in the back) and I just happen to look out the window for the 50th time that minute and what should I see but a cop car pulling up. I think "YAY the cops are coming in to eat!" and get i prepared to give my own table a fabulous 4am dining experience. Not to mention, I really love men in uniform so I try to fix myself up a little.

a short amount of time passes, and no cops come in. So I go back to my jumble. I get all involved in it for a minute, and next time I look up, my heart literally JUMPS out of my chest because some creepy old bum is standing at the counter!! He is hella dirty and has no teeth and is jingling some change around. he looks just like the prophet from big love, if you have seen that show...except imagine the prophet without teeth, a shave or a shower, and in a dirty flannel shirt. "The cops just dropped me off here" he says. "I'll have some coffee and oatmeal" he says.

okay, so i figure if the cops were nice enough to let him go, he is probably a nuisance, but harmless...right? Anyway, he sits in the back of the store for 30 minutes before anyone else comes in. I am avoiding this dude like crazy, I didnt care! He gave me a really bad vibe. PROBABLY because yesterday I had a lecture from my mom about how working graveyard alone in a restaurant is dangerous and I should find another job. My mom always has to plant the seed of fear!

Anyway, some super hot buff black guy comes in and i feel safe for awhile, cuz I know this dude is a gentleman and would kick anyones ass, from how pumped he is. Another regular comes in and I chat him up for awhile and I just continue to ignore the bum in the back. The bum gets up to go to the bathroom, and is gone for like 15 minutes....probably either pooping or shooting up. then he goes and sits at ANOTHER table and starts STARING AT ME and the regular I am having a conversation with. I am really freaked out by him at this point.

Finally around 5:20am, he gets up and comes to the counter to pay. I tell him his total is $8.50 or something close to that number. He proceeds to put $3.60 down on the counter and slides it in my direction. So I say "okay, it looks like you have about 3 dollars and 60 cents here. Your total is over $8. do you have any more money?" he shakes his head. SOOO I have no idea what to do at this point. I could just let him go, but then his bill would come out of MY pocket, and I totally dont want to do that. I refuse to do that actually, haha. So I tell him to go have a
seat and wait until my replacement arrives.

i wait and wait and wait. i talk to the cook for a minute about how I want to go and get away from this bum. the bum is just sleepin in the booth at this
point.

So, lisa F finally arrives about 20 minutes late. I explain to her the situation. She rolls her eyes and the dude and immediatley storms over there and proceeds to rip this guy a new asshole. "EXCUSE ME SIR, SIT UP, THIS IS A RESTAURANT, NOT A HOTEL. YOU CAN'T SLEEP HERE. YOU DONT HAVE ANY MONEY TO PAY? HOW DID YOU THINK YOU CAN ORDER FOOD WHEN YOU DONT HAVE MONEY! I COULD CALL THE COPS RIGHT NOW! YOU KKNOW YOUR SERVER HAS TO PAY FOR THE FOOD YOU CANT PAY FOR? SHE WORKS HARD FOR HER MONEY. DO YOU WORK FOR MONEY? YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE TO HER RIGHT NOW AND THANK HER FOR PAYING FOR YOUR FOOD. YOU NEED TO LEAVE AND NEVER COME BACK. etc etc etc. it was so awesome. she was my hero because she wasnt afraid of the dude at all. haha. But the again she is like twice my size, has shoulders like a linebacker, and looks like she could take anyone down. Anyway she 86'ed his ass from the store and then had the cook escort me to my car to make sure he wasnt waiting for me out in the bushes or something.

and that was the eventful part of my night. I have some more stories from other
nights too. you meet the the weirdest fuckers working graveyard.

Two by Four

hello there, so we meet again.

It has been awhile since I posted a blog, and since everyone admires me for my blog posting skills, I figured I wouldnt leave you hangin on this fine winter's eve.

I just ate a plate of nachos for two all by myself. I havent eaten all day today. Actually, that is a complete farce, I had subway and BURGER KING AND NACHOS. And that's it. I am a total liar, i have no idea why i said i had nothing. No wonder I looked at a $5 scale at ikea and then promptly put it back on the shelf when I saw the insulting number it gave me. hmph! I think ikea better examine it's merchandise before it wrecks itself! or before i throw it's cheap five dollar scale across the room for laughing at me! okay, it didnt laugh, but it should have. Oh well, more cushin for the pushin right? I mean I check my butt out in the mirror every day, and it still looks pretty good. Sometimes I grab my own butt too, just to see how good it would feel to be the lucky person who ever grabs my awesome butt. Yeah. Well. hopefully I can hang on to my assets. Maybe I should lay off the nachos and chicken nuggets. But I am feeling especially unmotivated to make good food lately. I think it is because I am distracted by other things. Although I did have a salad at work yesterday. covered in dressing. smothered, really. Did you guys know how fattening the red robin honey mustard is? I think its like 36 grams of fat per TWO TABLESPOONS or some shit. now that is what I call a good time. Sometimes I wish I could be smothered in that shit and have it licked off. Yeah, honey mustard baby. Maybe I could lick it off myself. I would be like jabba the hut, rollin around in honey mustard, slowly gettin fatter. Dude, that would be hot.

ps. did you know i can play the 1812 overture with my butt? farts! it's a talent that shouldnt be hidden any longer.

okay then, I am drunk and need to get up early. good night, assholes!