Hobo Express

ahhh work was so dead last night. I only made like 60 bucks in tips. For an hour and a half I did the jumble, crossword, word search and soduku in the newspaper. At 4am, I was the only one in the restaurant (besides the cook in the back) and I just happen to look out the window for the 50th time that minute and what should I see but a cop car pulling up. I think "YAY the cops are coming in to eat!" and get i prepared to give my own table a fabulous 4am dining experience. Not to mention, I really love men in uniform so I try to fix myself up a little.

a short amount of time passes, and no cops come in. So I go back to my jumble. I get all involved in it for a minute, and next time I look up, my heart literally JUMPS out of my chest because some creepy old bum is standing at the counter!! He is hella dirty and has no teeth and is jingling some change around. he looks just like the prophet from big love, if you have seen that show...except imagine the prophet without teeth, a shave or a shower, and in a dirty flannel shirt. "The cops just dropped me off here" he says. "I'll have some coffee and oatmeal" he says.

okay, so i figure if the cops were nice enough to let him go, he is probably a nuisance, but harmless...right? Anyway, he sits in the back of the store for 30 minutes before anyone else comes in. I am avoiding this dude like crazy, I didnt care! He gave me a really bad vibe. PROBABLY because yesterday I had a lecture from my mom about how working graveyard alone in a restaurant is dangerous and I should find another job. My mom always has to plant the seed of fear!

Anyway, some super hot buff black guy comes in and i feel safe for awhile, cuz I know this dude is a gentleman and would kick anyones ass, from how pumped he is. Another regular comes in and I chat him up for awhile and I just continue to ignore the bum in the back. The bum gets up to go to the bathroom, and is gone for like 15 minutes....probably either pooping or shooting up. then he goes and sits at ANOTHER table and starts STARING AT ME and the regular I am having a conversation with. I am really freaked out by him at this point.

Finally around 5:20am, he gets up and comes to the counter to pay. I tell him his total is $8.50 or something close to that number. He proceeds to put $3.60 down on the counter and slides it in my direction. So I say "okay, it looks like you have about 3 dollars and 60 cents here. Your total is over $8. do you have any more money?" he shakes his head. SOOO I have no idea what to do at this point. I could just let him go, but then his bill would come out of MY pocket, and I totally dont want to do that. I refuse to do that actually, haha. So I tell him to go have a
seat and wait until my replacement arrives.

i wait and wait and wait. i talk to the cook for a minute about how I want to go and get away from this bum. the bum is just sleepin in the booth at this
point.

So, lisa F finally arrives about 20 minutes late. I explain to her the situation. She rolls her eyes and the dude and immediatley storms over there and proceeds to rip this guy a new asshole. "EXCUSE ME SIR, SIT UP, THIS IS A RESTAURANT, NOT A HOTEL. YOU CAN'T SLEEP HERE. YOU DONT HAVE ANY MONEY TO PAY? HOW DID YOU THINK YOU CAN ORDER FOOD WHEN YOU DONT HAVE MONEY! I COULD CALL THE COPS RIGHT NOW! YOU KKNOW YOUR SERVER HAS TO PAY FOR THE FOOD YOU CANT PAY FOR? SHE WORKS HARD FOR HER MONEY. DO YOU WORK FOR MONEY? YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE TO HER RIGHT NOW AND THANK HER FOR PAYING FOR YOUR FOOD. YOU NEED TO LEAVE AND NEVER COME BACK. etc etc etc. it was so awesome. she was my hero because she wasnt afraid of the dude at all. haha. But the again she is like twice my size, has shoulders like a linebacker, and looks like she could take anyone down. Anyway she 86'ed his ass from the store and then had the cook escort me to my car to make sure he wasnt waiting for me out in the bushes or something.

and that was the eventful part of my night. I have some more stories from other
nights too. you meet the the weirdest fuckers working graveyard.