Dear Diarrhea: An exerpt from the desk of Sam Pool

10/21:

Dear Diarrhea,

Have you ever stopped to notice that my last name could be "Poo"if you removed the L? Isn't that funny?

Sincerely,

Sam Poo

*********

10/22:

Dear Diarrhea,

Here is a log of today's happenings:


12:45: That one stunk. Smelled like poop.

12:46: That one was loud. Sounded like an elephant.

12:47: Gross, That one smelled like eggs.

12:48: That one smelled like dog food.

12:50: Oh man, I need to poop.


Sincerely,

Sam Poo
**********

10/23:

Dear Diarrhea,

I ate a lot of pickled eggs today. Then I farted. Oh man that stunk. Smelled like poop.

Sincerely,

Sam Poo

Tour de Franzia

Why yes, that IS me in the car. Just a typical Saturday, amirite?

Dear Diary

Yesterday I went to rose festival with my beau, we rode white knuckle death-trap rides of doom. Of course, when we headed to "Zero Gravity" (the ride which spins you around so fast you stick to the wall and then lifts on its side, no seatbelts needed!) , the lovely sam proceeded to point out that the ride shouldnt be called "Zero gravity", because in fact the ride is actually CREATING gravity with its centrifugal force. Leave it to my little astronaut to give me a science lesson aka "why carnies shouldn't name rides"

Dude! it's too bad I am not a science teacher, that kind of would be a cool science lesson.

ah, sam. you are the dark flow of my heart.

we also went on rusted swings of death. let us never speak of them again. I hate ferris wheels. they are neither romantic nor relaxing.

Shirt Poppin'

Check out this video: Shirt Poppin

Santa is coming to town...holy crap!

Everyone around me is FREAKING OUT. So I would like to send them these things to help calm them down. I think they will make good Christmas gifts. Everyone deserves:

-Valium
-Frontal Lobotomies
-Bottles in front of me
-Larynx Removal
-A Nice Hot Bubble Bath
-A Restraining Order
- Lips sewn shut
-Text messaging disabled
-Both legs disabled
-A nice vacation to an asylum
-complete with straight jacket
-more holiday cheer that you can shake a stick at
-A nice sack of journals so everyone can write their problems with me in them. Then I will send them to the moon to the space colony up there can read them and not me!! Maybe the moonmen will read the journals and their minds will completely be blown. It will be the most tragic story they have ever read! So the journals will get published at that point, and my story will be famous amongst all moon people. Then everyone who wrote in those journals will receive lots of cash royalties and then I will get thank you notes instead of death wishes on a daily basis.
-a therapeutic massage with a happy ending
-a chance to win fabulous prizes as the next contestant on Price is Right
-a sledge hammer to the head.
-A nice love making session from Santa himself!
-Death. sweet, calming death.

I am sure all of these gifts and more will calm down the people I love most, don't you agree? They all deserve these things and more. Maybe I will get everyone around a happy Christmas fire and shove them all in it, one by one. Or maybe I will slip a mickey in the delicious eggnog. Or cyanide in the pumpkin pie. There are so many ways to kill them all!!!!! Then me and Scarlett will live happily ever after. The end.