Santa is coming to town...holy crap!

Everyone around me is FREAKING OUT. So I would like to send them these things to help calm them down. I think they will make good Christmas gifts. Everyone deserves:

-Valium
-Frontal Lobotomies
-Bottles in front of me
-Larynx Removal
-A Nice Hot Bubble Bath
-A Restraining Order
- Lips sewn shut
-Text messaging disabled
-Both legs disabled
-A nice vacation to an asylum
-complete with straight jacket
-more holiday cheer that you can shake a stick at
-A nice sack of journals so everyone can write their problems with me in them. Then I will send them to the moon to the space colony up there can read them and not me!! Maybe the moonmen will read the journals and their minds will completely be blown. It will be the most tragic story they have ever read! So the journals will get published at that point, and my story will be famous amongst all moon people. Then everyone who wrote in those journals will receive lots of cash royalties and then I will get thank you notes instead of death wishes on a daily basis.
-a therapeutic massage with a happy ending
-a chance to win fabulous prizes as the next contestant on Price is Right
-a sledge hammer to the head.
-A nice love making session from Santa himself!
-Death. sweet, calming death.

I am sure all of these gifts and more will calm down the people I love most, don't you agree? They all deserve these things and more. Maybe I will get everyone around a happy Christmas fire and shove them all in it, one by one. Or maybe I will slip a mickey in the delicious eggnog. Or cyanide in the pumpkin pie. There are so many ways to kill them all!!!!! Then me and Scarlett will live happily ever after. The end.