Save the Planet, Nuke a Hippy.

The other day I took a lunch break. Fairly typical, I came home and checked my facebook, did some dishes and then warmed up some thai peanut noodle leftovers. I don't have a fucking microwave, because for some reason I thought it would be all classy and hipster to have "real food" that doesnt taste nuked. ME. The girl who doesn't cook. The girl who can't even make an egg or go a day without craving Oreos. My hippy friends always talk about how great it is that they don't own a microwave. These are the kind of people that eat grass. One time I was hanging out with some hippy chick in Eugene and all she did was talk about raw corn and how much she craves it. RAW CORN. I mean, I crave corn too but only of the high fructose variety. I'd also like to mention she was wearing a cape and didn't have shoes on. Raw Corn Girl is the type who shouldn't have a microwave. Not me. Yet for some reason I get these half-baked ideas and run with them.

Let bygones by bygones, I foolishly and prematurely nixed the nuker. Now I live with the consequences. Now it takes 30 minutes to heat up some damn chinese leftovers. By the time I warmed up the food on the stove on this particular lunch break, it was time for me to jump in the car and head back to work. This is because it takes SO FUCKING LONG to warm up food on my stove. I still needed to eat (of course) so I put the food back in it's takeout box and brought it with me in the car.

I sat at a stop light, shoveling my noodles into my pie hole. Then it happens. I hear someone SCREAMING to the left of my car. I look over and it's some frazzled white-haired hippy with a dream catcher hanging from her rearview mirror. She's the one screaming. I don't quite understand what she is saying, but I know she is talking to me. Noodles hanging out of my mouth and into the bowl, I give her a confused look. "WHAT?" I say, as noodles dangle and flecks of food fly from my teeth.

She repeats "YOU'RE MAKING ME HUNGRY!"

Now this is where I start to feel embarrassed. I didnt know anyone was watching me eat. I wasn't trying to eat with class, or with manners, or like someone who doesn't own a microwave. I was just trying to finish my food quickly before I headed back to work! Then this bitch with a "Keep Portland Weird" bumper sticker on the back of her car had to go and comment. NOW I feel awkward. I give her a half noodle smile, tun my head and look forward. OF COURSE this bitch is hungry, she is the reincarnate of raw-corn girl. She's basically raw-corn girl's mom. I bet she is STARVING. She probably doesn't own a microwave either, or does she have time to eat anything but a 10 calorie ear of corn. I hate her. I don't give her eye contact for the rest of the stoplight duration, but I can feel her eyes burning into me, watching me take every little bite. She wants my food. I am MAKING her hungry. She wants me to recognize that she wants my food. Instead I do not look. I wait, and look straight ahead.

The light turns green. We both proceed to take a left turn, except weird hungry lady is too busy looking at my thai takeout and turns into oncoming traffic. I watch her from my mirrors when I notice what she had done. She keeps driving, she doesn't slow down. She keeps driving. She then at the last second slams on her breaks just before SMASHING into a car. and I keep driving. This lady was SO preoccupied with my food that she couldn't even drive straight.

That's what you get for being a fucking hungry moron, HIPPY! Stop eating raw corn and putting corn in your gas tank! Buy a fucking microwave; You're a threat to fucking society.

Come to think of it, she was probably drunk.




pretty accurate.