Willy Wonka and the Fatty Factory.

I eat like a 300 pound man. This morning My awesome co-worker surprised me with a scrumptious Burger King breakfast. Not only did she bring me those french toast stick thingys (which I like to refer to as "grease sponges"...give 'em a squeeze next time you eat them and you will see why) she also threw in some cinnamon-minis and hashbrown circles. And don't forget the orange juice. I ate it all. 12pm rolled around and because the front desk at my place of employment KNOWS I like to eat, they called back specially to let me know they have doughnuts. HELL YES! I ran to the front desk within seconds to make sure I scored the maple bar.

Last week I ate a box of cookies. In one day. Okay, really over 2 hours. Cut me some slack on that one, some dude I liked had just dumped me. I also had 2 dinners that night. My stomach protruded like I was 5 months pregnant. Gross. Okay, even i admit that was SLIGHTLY overboard.

My dream food is a deep fried twinkie 'longside a cheese-injected hotdog smothered in mustard, relish and ketchup. Don't forget the nachos. Carnival food. That's right mother fucker.

One of my greatest pleasures in life is to eat fast food in my underwear while drunk in my bed, ala David Hasselhoff. Don't hate mother fuckers, I look way better than him in my skivvies:



But don't get me wrong, I don't just love the crap food, I love ALL food. The fancier, the better. I especially love gourmet junk that explodes flavor into my mouth. Yeah, I like that stuff.

The best part is? Fat people HATE ME. You know why? I eat just like them and don't ever gain a pound. YAY I WINS GENETIC LOTTERY. Suck my ass, fatties! I freaking LOVE it when you get mad at me! I work at a gym and nothing gives me more sick pleasure than taking that doughnut from the front desk and walking around eating it in front of all the people who WISH they could eat it, but are far too fat and trying so hard to desperately lose weight. So they watch me, say things like "I wish I could have that!" and I just chuckle and sink my teeth into deep-fried sugar. Then they go home and eat their feelings because some tall lanky skinny hot girl can eat doughnuts all day long and never gain a pound, and they are just fat. You might as well not try, fatties. Food tastes GOOD. I'd rather be fat and fed than fat and starving to death for a doughnut. You're never going to lose weight. Just give up and join me, I'd like you better that way.

Actually, this is a lie. Nothing pisses me off more than a fat-and-proud person. Being gross is nothing to be proud of! The truth of the matter is, you have lost in that part of life, and I have won. BUT that doesn't mean I dont love you, I love hugging fat people. Sooo squishy. And trust me, I have lost in plenty of aspects of life, like being souless enough to write an entry such as this. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some more things I need to go hate on elsewhere besides this blog. And I need to have some lunch.